Unrequited Love

When your heart constantly pours out love from it's deepest part, the purest form, every ounce of it leaving you and never replenished, you reach a point where you question, am I not worth receiving the same kind of love too? 

When you give and give and give and give all of you but get nothing in return, is that being generous or is that being stupid? 

When you love with hope, is that wrong? 

If your unconditional love has a tiny unspoken expectation, are you bad at loving unconditionally? 

Are you selfish for loving unselfishly, because you're sad that the love is unrequited?

If the lesson here is to love fearlessly, then why does loving fearlessly often come with heartbreak?

Why do I only mean enough to you for your needs to be fulfilled, but do not mean enough to you for my needs to be fulfilled?

I let go of you, and then I let go again, and then again and then again. When will I ever truly let go of the entirety of you? 

When I think I'm healed and done, you come back to open up the wound in my heart that I sealed with tears, and release all the stored emotions that were waiting to be forgotten. How much more tears do I need to shed in order to seal this wound again? 

If I freeze my heart to save it, will there ever be someone who can thaw it with their promise to keep it from being broken again? 

If love is a beautiful thing, why does it hurt you? Why does such a beautiful thing have such a capability of dragging you through the depths of emotional hellfire? 

Healing

Was supposed to be doing some work tonight but stumbled upon a photo that I shouldn't have seen. 

First, it made me feel indifferent. Then my mind started playing tricks with me. It told me I should feel something. It told me I should judge and I should analyze. What is this? A test of my healing? 

And that sent me into the depths of my wounds. No, I think the better word today is, my scars. No longer open wounds. No longer wounds that were left there to bleed for years, wounds that used to be visited from time to time to add salty tears to and remind myself each time how painful they are. 

This time, things are different. They are now scars. Healed wounds. Healed. Not perfectly, but they are no longer openly bleeding. The mark will always be there, and the tears might wash over them at times, but now, they no longer sting. Because they are no longer bleeding wounds. They are just memories. They are visible for the mind to revisit, but they hold no pain. 

Surely there are some wounds that were not mended perfectly, surely for those they might still sting, but now we know how to mend them. No, actually, we now know that they CAN be mended. They don't need to bleed for us to be a person with a past. Those wounds no longer need to hold the emotions that once were. 

Healing is a long journey, it truly is. But the beauty is it gets easier and easier. Every step forward is a step further away from what used to tether you to the past. By the time you realize and look back, that thing that once bothered you is now so so far away that you can't even really "see" it anymore. You know it's there, but it's so blurry you forgot how it felt like. And now the future is nearer than the past. 

This journey of healing and self discovery has led me to learn who I am. And to learn to teach myself things that everyone else is too broken to learn. We can have a million people around us guiding us but at the end of the day, ultimately it is ourselves that need to steer the ship. And this I will do. I will steer this ship to complete healing. 

I send myself love and compassion tonight because from the thousand of steps I have climbed up in this journey, tonight I have stumbled back down a few. But that's ok, right now I am sitting on that step that I stumbled to and I am sending my heart love and the energy to climb back up further again. Because I have climbed a thousand steps, what's does a few steps back do to my journey? Nothing. Because my intention is going forward. And as long as my mind says forward, no matter how many steps I fall back on, I will still always only continue forward. 

Lessons from Adversity

Feeling like a failure has taught me that failing is only temporary, but can be permanent if we let our minds imprison us. 

Anxiety has taught me not to belittle any hardship someone goes through no matter how small it seems to be.

Getting teased for being fat has taught me that mean words don't help anyone be a better version of themselves but contributes to the destruction of that person from the inside out.

Being poor has taught me that everything always works out in the end.

Poor health has taught me to be more in tuned to my body and that good health is truly priceless.

Being in stressful situations has taught me that mental health is above everything else.

Dealing with rude people has taught me that kindness is always a choice. 

Meeting a selfish person has taught me that selfishness is actually living in fear. 

Being judged has taught me that I do not truly know everything about a person and what they are going through.

Heartbreak has taught me that I didn't love myself enough and placed my happiness in another person's hands. 

Hard times have taught me that any moment or situation is all about perspective. 

Resentment has taught me that I was punishing myself all along for someone else's actions.

Frustration has taught me that I have let my ego mind take over my perspective on things far too many times by needing everyone or every situation to act out as how I expect them to be. 

Fear has taught me to be a safe space for everyone who comes to me. 

The lack of confidence has taught me that I didn't believe in myself enough. 

Internal turmoil has taught me to be the peace that everyone searches for. 

Paranoia has taught me that it is mostly my mind creating problems for myself. 

Not getting everything I want has taught me to cherish what I do have. 

Being on the receiving end of empty promises has taught me to fulfill all promises made or never make one. 

Anger has taught me that no one makes me angry if I don't allow it. 

Sadness has taught me that letting go with faith is always best.

Unpleasant situations have taught me that there is a higher purpose for every experience. 

Disappointment has taught me that not everyone will behave the way we want them too and that is ok. 

Trauma has taught me that I didn't have to hold on to it in order to have an identity. 

Most importantly, adversities have helped me learn that healing doesn't mean forgetting, it just means remembering something but no longer with the unhealthy emotions attached to it. 

Thank You

Thank you for your obsession with money so I can learn that money isn't everything.

Thank you for being materialistic so I realize that there is more beauty in intangible things.

Thank you for putting wealth above family so I know that doesn't go well in life.

Thank you for putting so much importance in a person's title and appearance, so that I know to look at a person's heart instead. 

Thank you for teaching me to pretend to be a different person to different people so that I know that I only want to be the real me all the time. 

Thank you for making me tell so many lies, so that I know I don't ever want to live a life full of deception. 

Thank you for the hard times so I can appreciate what I have now. 

Thank you for the trauma so I can learn to manage my thoughts.

Thank you for the selfishness so I know that my happiness is my own responsibility. 

Thank you for rarely being around, so I know how important it is to show up.

Thank you for missing every single milestone so I know how nothing is more important than just being present for the ones who love you.

Thank you for saying I love you and I miss you, but failing to make me believe it as a child, because as an adult, I realize that actions do speak louder than words. 

Thank you for believing that people only want to be around you when you are successful, so I know that I don't want to be surrounded by people like that. 

Thank you for making empty promises, so I know how much value a promise should hold.

Thank you for all the disappointment for it has taught me that nothing in life is certain.

Thank you for abusing your health, as it has taught me to cherish mine. 

Thank you for thinking we would be happier around a materially successful you, as I have realized that our loved ones are happy to be around us no matter who we are. 

Thank you for forever holding on to the belief that your happiness will come when you achieve this big thing, for it has taught me that happiness comes from within. 

Thank you for constantly putting yourself in stressful situations for the sake of money, so I can value peace before material success. 

Thank you for placing value in a person's physical appearance, so I learn to place value in a person's soul. 

Thank you for believing that people only love you with certain conditions, because that has taught me that true love is unconditional.

And most of all,

thank you for being exactly the way you are, because of that,

I AM EXACTLY THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. 

Tears shed, wounds healing.

My Grandmother, The Unaware Teacher To My Soul

Sometimes I feel called to write about certain things but each time I write, it is an inspired action. I don't sit down and force myself to write for the sake of writing something because nothing good can come out of force. Everything good comes from inspiration. 

Tonight as I was having a difficult time dealing with my grandmother, I suddenly had a thought, that I should write about the timeline of how she has been one of my life's greatest teachers.

When you read the title of this blog post, you might think that I would have wonderful, amazing stories to write about my grandmother teaching me things and imparting her wisdom onto me. 

This is completely the opposite because this connection I have with her on earth has been one interesting journey and only one can find it so if they have emotionally removed themselves from the experience and look at it as an observer. 

You see, she is a negative person by nature and was what I now know, addicted to negative emotions. During her coherent years when her mind was still alert, no one had thought to tell it straight to her face that she was literally a bitch and full of negativity. Well maybe because she was the matriarch of the family. And I say this with no remorse because that is a very accurate word to describe the person she was. More so in the way she treated me. Now it is too late to teach her about speaking positive words and cultivating more love in her heart because she is no longer coherent and can't understand half the things you say to her. 

At one point during my early teenage years, I was the subject and her source of drama and negativity. I didn't know why she hated me so much. I was the most well behaved grandchild of hers and yet she had so many reasons to hate on me. She couldn't see the me that I truly was, but I never let my experiences with her make me a bitter person, so I never ever had any intention to "get back at her" per se, and I am grateful for that. Because many years later, she has realised that I am the only one who doesn't talk back at her. Did she for a second think why she hated me so much then? 

She was the reason I cried myself to sleep every night and skipped meals so I wouldn't have to go out of the room and hear her bitching about me. No one knew this until I started opening up about it in recent years. 

I came home straight from school every day, never went out unnecessarily,  did everything she told me, was polite to her and was pretty much the opposite of my twin brother. And yet, she hated on me, not my brother. She found every little flaw I had and went to town with it while her other grandchildren were no better than me. Oh how odd! And that brings us to the first lesson: "A negative or bitter person will find problems or create them where there are none and that is of no fault of our own. We just happened to be in the same existence with them at that time." 

Oh and I was not the only "victim" of her addiction to negativity. Before I came into her experience, she used to pick on another cousin of mine, and when we moved in to live with her, I was her new target and my cousin was off the hook. After a few years of picking on me, we had a new addition to the family by marriage, and she found her new target so I was let off the hook. So many years have passed and now that I am more conscious of her behaviours, when she picks a new person to create fresh drama, I just pretend I don't hear all the negative things she say and give no attention to it because I know how it feels to be her source of negativity. This is lesson no. 2: Sometimes, hardships we have been through, help us to be better people to the person who's going through the same. We become more conscious of how certain actions or words could affect another human being. Also, a negative person addicted to hating people, will always have someone to hate. Don't take it personally because they will have a new person to hate next. 

It is true when Eckhart Tolle says, that negative emotions and the pain body we have, are addicted to and feed on negative emotions for energy. When we let ourselves do that and are not conscious of our unconscious mind, we constantly need the negativity to give us energy. Because negativity finds joy and love revolting. 

She's 90 this year and thinks she's turning 100. That's how "clear" her mind is now. I no longer hold a grudge or any emotional attachment to the past she created for me because, how could I be angry with someone who now can't even tell her age? I used to see myself as a victim, but now I see myself empowered with the experience, grateful even for what has happened has taught me such invaluable lessons.

The funny thing is, I am now the only one in the family she can talk to. She acknowledges this fact now, because I'm the only one who doesn't lash back at her in anger and frustration. Everyone gets frustrated with her words and actions, more so now that she sometimes doesn't make sense when she speaks. She even thanks me for being the one who takes care of her and the one who she could ask anything. Oh how the tables have turned! If I was bound by my ego, this would be the perfect time for me to make life hell for her as how she had made mine. But I would find no pleasure in doing so and it would only harm my own being. Lesson: Be so evolved in your soul that you see the pointlessness of acting on the power you now have over someone else. Because people who live in a toxic cycle will usually end up stuck in their own toxicity, and you can be the observer from the outside, being in awe at how life turns the tables around and the way things come full circle.

I am no saint and till now there are days and nights that have been very difficult to deal with her. By difficult, I mean, keeping my own emotions in check and being conscious of my feelings and reactions. It is truly a test to the mind. Constantly reminding myself, how could I be mad at someone who thinks she's a hundred years old? 

She sometimes does know how to push one's buttons. My family tell me that I'm the most patient with her but I won't deny that sometimes it's a real struggle to communicate with her. As blur as her mind could be sometimes, there is a constant trait in her that is still there: her negativity and addiction to bitching about people. Sometimes, she sits right next to me, just to babble on about her past tales, but they are almost always the negative things she remembers about events and people. It truly drains you of energy if you're not careful. This is also why no one wants to sit and watch TV with her in the living room, because she'll start spewing negativity. It's pretty sad when you think about it, but our world is what we create and we can't blame anyone for not wanting to drown in our negative energy. As I observe the things she has attracted into her life, I sometimes feel a sense of pity for her because it seems like people can't seem to help being rude to her now. Is this what we call karma? As she had spent her vibrant years causing emotional and mental hardships to others, has she sabotaged herself along the way? I dare not say this is a lesson, because I am in no place to judge someone else's karma but something to ponder here is that whatever we spend our energy in projecting, be it positivity or negativity, always comes back to greet us like a boomerang. Can we expect the world to treat us with loving kindness if all we've been busy doing was spreading hate?  

I am constantly on a journey of being conscious of my unconscious mind, and so I would be lying if I said that there isn't still a tiny bit of hurt when I think about what I've been through. But it truly is just a tiny bit and I have come a long way, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to notice these lessons. 

I do hope that you too, realise that everyone sent to our experience is there to teach us something. Sometimes we may not realise it then, and only know many years later when our soul has evolved or awakened enough to learn the lesson. Things only come to us when we are ready. 

I will leave you with this quote from Eckhart Tolle: 

"Human interaction can be hell. Or it can be a great spiritual practice."

Which will you choose? 

Much love,
Evie

Meditation

It has been a little over a month since I started meditating daily and sometimes 2 - 3 times a day. Yes, I am aware that I am blessed enough to have the time to do it a few times a day and I truly have gratitude for that. 

Meditating daily has been very life altering for me so far but if you observed my physical life from the outside, you wouldn't be able to see any changes whatsoever yet. However, the change inside has been so profound, now I don't want to go a day without meditating. 

I've read about, known about and even tried meditating years ago. I always thought that it wasn't something I could do. Sitting at the same spot trying to have no thoughts? That doesn't seem very fun right? Seems pointless too. How silly I was as a person with anxiety to not have really explored this. However, I don't regret anything as I believe that there is divine timing in everything but I do remember one very small event that was probably the connection to what's happening now. It was on one day when I was telling my brother about the anxiety I had and he said that he saw Vishen Lakshmi on Mindvalley saying that I need to meditate. 

The reaction I gave him was, pfftt, I tried it, you don't understand, meditation won't help me, it won't remove the anxious feeling I get. You see, it is true when they say that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or that if a person is not ready to heal or not ready to receive a certain information, whatever you tell or do for them will be of no use. But it does plant a seed. What he said that day did plant a seed in me. Somehow I still kept thinking about what he said from time to time. 

To keep this post short, I won't go into the unique string of events that led me to go into the practice of meditation. I guess I was finally ready to heal and was finally receptive to the information. The effects were very clear. On the days that I would start my day with meditation, the anxiousness I felt during the day would be significantly reduced. Also, it was harder for anxiety to emerge (if that makes sense). For example, during moments where I would usually feel anxious, it felt like my body could control it and keep it under. 

It's also worthy to note that before I started meditating, I had been somewhat free from anxiety for some time (or so I thought lol). Basically I seldom had anxious days but after I started meditation for a few days, the anxiety came back like a bitch! Creeping up on me at all times of the day. I recognised this as a purging of old emotions and energies. A healing crisis, and so I continued meditating to pull through. During this time, it became clear to me that meditation trained my body to keep anxiety away while cleansing all the old and stored negative energy I had. I was confident that I would get to a point where my chakras (energy centers) would be so balanced that anxiety will cease to be a part of me. I no longer wanted to identify as the person who deals with anxiety or feel pity for myself for being a "victim" of this "condition" that I could surely overcome one day.

The amount of peace and love in my heart that meditation has gifted me has been crazy. I always felt that during any moment where I didn't feel anxious = feeling peace & calm. How wrong I was. I didn't know what inner peace and wholeness was until I actually felt it. In this world where we are often told that we need to be productive and achieving something at every waking moment, inner peace and being in the present moment is a foreign idea to us. Reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now had also been a big part of my inner transformation. I won't go into the details of the book but now I have moments where I just want to sit and savour the feeling of inner peace washing over me. It's such a unique feeling of lightness, wholeness and a fuzzy feeling all over. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and just be. 

Besides these intangible improvements I have experienced, these couple of days have been a crazy ride for what would be the tangible effects of my practice of meditation. In clearing all my chakras, I have previously felt a subtle movement of energy up all the chakras. But it had always stopped near my heart chakra. I didn't feel any movement moving past that. Sparing you all the nitty gritty details, during the past few days of my meditation, I had tremors, shakes, vibrations, involuntary body movements, contortions and convulsions. This was energy moving through me and giving me a healing. 

One time, my body was twisted (involuntarily) in a way like how a chiropractor would twist you and I felt a pinch at one side of my waist where I usually had issues with. That pinch felt like a message to tell me to check it later. True enough, after the meditation, I checked to see if that part still hurt like it usually does when I placed my legs in a certain position. To my surprise, it didn't hurt anymore. And it wasn't just a temporary relief because it has been 3 days after that episode and it still doesn't hurt. It is like what Joe Dispenza says about this, my body just received a biological upgrade. By the way, my meditation practice has been largely based on Joe Dispenza's materials. It was what started me on this journey. 

I watched a video by a monk (while I was searching for the answer on why I had these weird body contortions during meditation) and what he said really made sense. He said that the body is so intelligent that it knows what position to put your body in, in order for the energy to flow to that part that needs healing. I had other profound "healing sessions" during meditation and the body truly is really intelligent and knows exactly what it needs to do in order to heal you. If only you give it the right environment.

I keep a meditation journal where I record all my experiences and progress in meditation because I want to look back on my journey one day to see how far I had come. 

A long time ago, I saw someone write that love is the only answer in this world. I knew what that statement meant but I didn't truly understand what it meant until now. I now know that love REALLY IS the answer. Having the elevated emotion of love vibrating in your body in such large amounts will be the answer to your physical ailments, and other negative experiences we have in this 3D physical world. Now this may sound like all hogwash to you, but hopefully one day you too, will be able to grasp what it truly means. You may say, don't tell me I'm gonna love my enemy who did this, this and this to me?! 

I say yes, for your own good, you have to love your enemy or any other person who've wronged you.

 

Heard of love your enemy drive them crazy? The more appropriate thing would be to say, Love your enemy, set yourself free. Loving your enemy is a gift to yourself, not to your enemy. And the way to truly understand this is by doing inner work. Doing inner work is a gift to yourself and others. But ultimately a gift to your soul. 

So, cultivate love in your heart today. Joy, gratitude & appreciation are also elevated emotions that will raise your vibration. 

Sending love to whoever reading this. Including my future self. ❤

Your Love for You

God's love and self love. 

I am not religious nor was I ever raised to be and I can't say that I am attached to any particular religion. However, I have lots of faith that there is a higher power; God, The Universe, whatever you may call it wherever you may be and I love learning good values from every religion. If only the world stops fighting about who is right or wrong and realise that the real enemy is evil, and not what another person calls God and not what another person does to feel close to God. 

Anyway, I really wanted to write about self love today. No, not the narcissistic kind of self love. But the love yourself, your inner being and appreciate yourself for all that you are kind. 

I kinda made the connection today that feeling God's love is actually experiencing self love in a way. 

Imagine having so much faith in a higher power loving us, that's self love isn't it? 

We can't see God, no one could prove his existence, and yet we believe that he loves us, that's so beautiful but oddly enough we still struggle with loving our own selves. 

Self love is so important and it really is the difference between someone who feels lack and someone who feels abundant. 

When you struggle with loving yourself, just remember that God (or whatever you call Him), LOVES YOU. Sometimes we go through seasons where self love is difficult, but it may be much easier to believe that someone else, the all knowing higher power we call God, loves us despite what we may be going through. 

When I realised this, it led to this thought: God is in all of us right? Does this mean that our inner being, higher self is also ourselves? When God says he loves us, and he forgives us, he has our back, he has faith in us and he will never let us down, it also means that YOU should LOVE YOU and you should have faith in you that you could get through anything that life throws at you. 

Sometimes it's hard to feel that anyone believes in you, but what really matters is that God believes in you, and hence you believe in yourself and that is all that is needed to walk this beautiful journey called life. 

Therefore, when you are treading in the waters of self doubt, remember that God believes in you, God loves you which is your bridge to believing that you believe in you and that you love you too. 

Here is a song that I would love to share with you in hopes that it will help with your journey of self love. You may replace the word "Father" with whatever suits you and your beliefs and I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it. 

Mack Brock - I Am Loved

Just as I am You welcome me With open arms How can this be My guilt is undone My past is untethered I leave it behind And run to my Father There is no disappointment in Your eyes There is no shame there is only pride I am loved Father I’m loved by You So unreserved Your heart for me My fear is gone I am set free There’s nothing to hide There’s nothing to measure ‘Cause I am Your child And that’s all that matters There is no disappointment in Your eyes There is no shame there is only pride I am loved Father I’m loved by You There is no distance in Your embrace Over and over again You say I am loved Father I’m loved by You You are changing everything You are changing everything I believe it I receive it You are changing everything

Lots of love from me to you,

Evie 💗

Almost

Almost

It was almost real,
But I would never know,
If we ever had a chance,
Or we were always just, almost there.

Here I wonder,
If we were ever a possibility, 
Or was it all just my imagination, 
Of something that was always meant to be almost. 

How I wished that instead
of it being an almost,
You had a chance to make me hate you,
It hurts more not knowing. 

Choosing to ignore,
the flashing billboards,
Telling me that this road will lead nowhere,
Yet I chose to walk it.

A beautiful path lined with pretty flowers,
But flowers I couldn't pick,
That I couldn't smell,
Flowers that I could only almost hold. 

The almost path which never ends,
Continued to be walked, 
Would mean that forever,
I would only almost reach. 

My heart breaks fully,
For something that never got a chance to happen, 
How silly it is to be hurt
about something that only almost was. 

Good but just almost good enough,
Attraction but just almost love,
More than a friend but just almost the one,
Only an option and forever just almost chosen. 

An almost have,
An almost could be,
Not nothing,
but never something. 

That Broken Heart

Broken

A heartbreak feels like,

A thousand shattered pieces that fall to the ground,

Yet the hardest part is,

Such a feeling of magnitude, but with no sound. 

Your tears want to run free,

But so afraid others would see,

How do you explain something to them,

That was never and would never be? 

Your heart never regrets all that was done,

But your head says, how could you be so dumb?

You knew this day would come,

I thought you said you were just having fun?

How do you get over something,

That never happened?

How do you get over someone,

When you're feeling so broken. 

Oh such hypocrisy, 

from a person who is me,

Preaching about loving without attachment,

But yet invested as can be.

How does the heart heal?

Does time mend it up?

How does a mended heart feel?

When it was once crushed into a pulp. 

Loving Without Attachment

Love. 

A simple four-lettered word that many know but yet many do not understand. 

I don't claim to have discovered the true meaning of love, all kinds of love, not just romantic love, but lately I have come to a much clearer understanding of it. 

I felt the need to write this post and there is so much to say that I feel that words can't fully justify it so I'll do my best. 

Our heart is like an empty drinking glass. And love is like the water you pour into the glass. But there is one condition. You have to fill your own glass. People can fill it for you and "pour water into your glass", but only temporarily. They can't do it forever because they have their own glasses and other glasses to fill. 

The water in the glass if not refilled often, will slowly dry up. The water in the glass represents how filled your heart is with love. A filled glass makes you feel joy, confidence, self worth, and ultimately puts you in alignment with the good things in life. 

A constantly empty glass on the other hand, makes you feel unworthy of love, unworthy of success, makes you feel like there is a problem being an imperfect person when no one in this world is perfect anyway. But you won't be able to see this, you feel dead inside because the water (love) gives you life and sadly, your glass is empty. 

How do we keep a glass constantly filled with water when other people can't help us fill it forever? 

We have to fill it ourselves. But first, we have to REALIZE that WE HAVE the ABILITY to FILL OUR OWN GLASSES. So many people have been brought up or programmed to believe that their glasses need to be filled by someone else. They do not realize that their glasses need to be filled by they themselves. They need to learn to love themselves. You need to give yourself love, and not constantly seek love and validation from another being. Because that is not sustainable. 

When we have an almost empty glass and we never fill it ourselves, we are constantly in search of someone who can fill it for us while trying to fill up someone else's glass. 

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME! FILL UP MY GLASS FOR ME! I NEED YOU! DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M FILLING YOUR GLASS UP? WHY DON'T YOU FILL MINE?! IT'S NOT FAIR! I CAN NEVER FIND TRUE LOVE! 

Is it clear now that this is a problem? But what if you don't know how to love yourself? You don't know how to fill your own glass with water? You were never taught how. 

Try this, look at yourself from a third person point of view. If this is difficult for you, look at yourself in the mirror and pretend you are someone else looking at you. 

When you see you there, give you a hug, or a pat on the head or shoulder, tell you that you love you and you're doing a great job. Hug you and say, I love you. Look at you straight into your eyes and say I am proud of you. You are enough. Fill that person's heart with love. Fill that person's glass. This is truly empowering.

Now that you can feel your glass filling up, you have more love in your heart. And when you get so good at filling your own glass, you will feel like you are overflowing with love, because your glass is overflowing with water. You now have so much extra water (love) to give to another person and to help fill another person's glass. Because you can't give someone love, if you don't have love for yourself first. I don't mean this in a narcissistic self love kind of way, but rather the purest kind of love that is also selfless. 

Surely there will be times when we forget to fill our own glass or have a difficult period of doing so but KNOWING that we have the ABILITY to do so, liberates us from needing someone else to fill it for us. 

Sometimes, for some people, their own glass is drying up, because they haven't filled it in a while, but yet they don't let anyone else fill it for them. Because they don't feel worthy of someone else's love. 

There is no strict rule to this, yes sometimes we need to let other people temporarily fill it for us while we regain the power to do so ourselves. As much as it is important for us to love ourselves first before giving love to someone else, it is also important for us to ALLOW someone to give us love while we work on our setbacks. Because you are worthy of love no matter where you are in life.

And why the title Loving without Attachment? 

Because when you have so much love in your heart, and you are overflowing with it, you can give it to someone without expecting anything else back in return. When you love a person, you love a person. That is just as simple as that. But often people love with so much attachment that they expect something in return. They expect a label, they expect to be treated in a certain way, to take ownership of the other person, to have possession over something, or expect the other person to fit their precise idea of a glass filler and, they expect the other person to fill their glasses for them in return. 

Surely labels are nice but they should come naturally when the time is right and when everything aligns with your true self.  And you should also love yourself enough to be able to remove yourself from a situation that is toxic. The love you constantly fill your own heart with will help you recognize these moments and guide you.

When you love someone without attachment, you don't expect or pressure the other person to fill your glass. And when you don't do that, you allow that person the space to grow and learn to fill their own glass until theirs is ALSO overflowing that they now can give some to you at times when yours isn't. 

Love is just so beautiful and comes in so many different forms but we have to realise that the purest kind of love is loving our true selves, loving our own souls. 

So I hope that after reading this, you remember to fill your own glass and fill your heart with so much love that you feel the strong need to fill someone else's heart with love too. 

Living in love and light with you, 

Evie. 💗

If You Were Here

My heart is heavy today. 

Our precious precious little feisty girl just turned 8 yesterday. It was an awesome celebration. Everyone had lots of fun. But it just hit me today that her turning 8 means that in 4 months, her mom would have been gone for 8 years. It is true when people say that the days are long but the years are short. 

Elaine has been gone for 8 years. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. She didn't even get to celebrate 1 birthday with her daughter. Well, only one, which is the actual day of her birth. Oh Elaine, life took you away from us too soon and we are heartbroken till this day. 

Attending your own mum's funeral at 4 months old isn't very common. I still remember the night your mum died, when we got the news that she would be gone that night, I intentionally looked at you while you were sleeping on the bouncer in our living room, and told myself to register this moment in my memory forever, because when you're old enough to ask me the tough questions about your mum and everything that happened, I need to remember this day for you. I needed to etch this in my memories, the day you became a motherless child. 

The sweetest girl

Sweet girl, I try to the best of my abilities to be the motherly love and support that you deserve, stripped away from you at such a young age. But I know, that nothing could ever replace the love of a mother. You're growing up so so fast, and at this age, you still come to me for hugs and kisses, for sweet moments, to tell me what you're excited about and I will forever cherish these moments but I know that one day this may be gone when you're all grown up. I hope you keep sharing your happy and sad moments with me even when you're 40 years old!

Elaine, thank you for blessing us with this sweet child. I wouldn't exchange her for anything in this life. But if you were here, I wouldn't be the one planning her birthday months ahead thinking what kind of cake you would've made for her. Cos you were a master baker! I love love loved making the special cakes for her birthdays but I'm not a baker, it takes a lot of work for me. If only you were here. 

Photobombed by my brother 🙄

I always wondered, if you were here, how different would your children's personalities have been? Surely your absence in their lives have shaped them in a different way. Heck, even I would've been a totally different person. I wouldn't have questioned so much about what the meaning of life was because after you left, this question plagued me for the longest time, "What is our purpose of living?". I've still not found the answer, but I have navigated life differently because of this. And that, is another blessing from you. 

I remember in the early days after you left, just the thought of you gone makes me cry wherever I was. It was usually during a still moment on the bus or train. Then I would wonder, how long it would take for me to think about you and NOT have tears in my eyes. I haven't found the answer, it still hurts, it will never not hurt but we will just get used to it. When your heart breaks, it will heal, but the scar will forever be there. I just cannot imagine how your husband William, parents, siblings, and family that have known you forever navigate this pain in their hearts. If you were here, things would be so different. 

I remember how sad William was when he mentioned that he didn't have a complete family photo with you and the kids. I made it my mission to find that photo. I didn't know how I would do it because you were only around for 4 months after your daughter was born. And what a joy it was for me to find out that the angels pulled through and there was a family photo of all of you taken during a wedding. I posted that photo into a forum to ask for help to remove 2 other people from the photo and a kind soul did it for me. That was truly a blessing and a much needed photo for your daughter's emotional well being because she now knows that she exists in a world where her mum was still here. And the best part was that you were carrying her in your arms in that photo.

Brother & Sister. 

Ps. I didn't make the cake this year.

Elaine, your son was only 2 years old when you left. He didn't understand what happened at all. He thought you were sleeping. But he kept seeing you. He ran towards places with no one there and called out for you and then suddenly stopped short because he saw you, and then he didn't. We used to sense you around too. I remember he said he wanted to sit at the back seat of the car, because you were sitting in front. I guess he saw you.

I remember the day of your funeral, I had him close to me, teaching him to hold the joss sticks, bowing down in prayer every time the monk did. Changing his diaper during the funeral and putting him to sleep at night cos he was exhausted by all that was happening. When he sat next to me during a prayer session, I remember the butterfly that came so close to us. I have no doubt that was you. 

I carried him during the funeral procession and tried to film and capture as many moments as I could with my camera because one day, I know your kids would want to see them. I have so many photos and videos of that day but almost 8 years have gone by and I have not once had the courage to open that folder in my hard disk. I know I will one day.

You were so well loved by many that every night of the 3 nights of your funeral were packed full of people. The day of your funeral procession too. There were so many people that looking back from the front, we couldn't see the end of the crowd. All of us at the front wore your bakery uniform t-shirt. It was black. I still remember that when we were walking past the houses, people were wondering out loud what we were wearing because it was out of tradition to be wearing all black as we should be wearing white t-shirts instead. 

8 years is a long time but the memories are still fresh. 

Oh if you were still here, how different life would've been.

Miss you and still heartbroken,

Evie.

Blessings

In huge contrast to my post on anxiety, I shall write something on a more positive note. Gotta balance things out ya know? 😉

I'm not always that emo but I AM human and it is only human to have waves of different emotions at different times. In the words of the wise Ronan Keating, "Life is a Rollercoaster" 😂

Blessings are in abundance. You, me, your neighbour, and that fella in Timbuktu are given many blessings in life. They're there, it's just that, a blessing is only a blessing when you notice it. When you acknowledge it. When you are grateful for it. 

I'm not a religious person so I won't speak in the context of religion. I do believe in a higher power and that all roads lead to one so interpret these however you wish. 

When we're feeling like we have it bad financially, do we realise that we have it way better than someone with no food? 

When we're feeling lonely because we haven't found THE ONE, do we realise that the universe has given us other people who care for us? Maybe they're not right next to you now, or heck maybe you haven't even met them yet. But THERE ARE people who want the best for you, they don't have to tell you that, you just have to REALISE it. 

When we feel sad that we don't have a nicer home or a luxurious lifestyle, someone out there is willing to sell a kidney in exchange for the bed you sleep on, the chair you sit on, the soft blanket you have or the clean water you drink every day. 

I could list down 1001 more examples of how blessed we truly are, but if you don't get it by now, then maybe you have lots of inner work of gratitude to do. 

Gratitude is kinda my main motto in life. With gratitude you can possibly overcome anything. 

In fact, with gratitude YOU HAVE EVERYTHING. Get it?

Having gratitude will also align you and your energy with all the good things in life. 

So, if today you're feeling down about stuff not going the way you want, try redirecting your thoughts to things you are grateful for. Because I KNOW you have an awesome life and a crazy amount of blessings. 

You've got this!

Love, 

Evie

The Many Kinds of LOVE

Love love love, so many types of love. But yet just the word love doesn't have enough depth to do the different types of love justice. 

I love the sunset
I love strawberries
I love my mum
I love my dog
I love saying good morning
I love my new shoes
I love little babies
I love the sincere smiles from a child
I love the feeling of newly changed bedsheets
I love sleeping in rainy weather
I love the taste of a bowl of hot soup
I love the feeling of being cared for
I love that special someone
I love knowing I am loved
I love seeing new places
I love giving gifts
I love my best friend

All these different kinds of love, when you read each one of them, they feel different right? But we only use the word LOVE. We use the same word for all of them but yet, they all feel so different. Heck, even saying I love you to different people we love is a different feeling. 

I think we can all agree that love for a romantic partner is definitely NOT THE SAME as love for sunsets. But we can all agree that love, regardless, is just beautiful. The word love itself radiates with positive energy and vibrations. 

The purest and most unconditional love you could possibly have is a love from a child. I don't mean only your own child, but just any child. Anyone who knows me knows my love for children is undeniable. I don't have children of my own so this becomes a blessing to all my nephews and nieces. LOL. And I can say that I, have been blessed with having nephews and nieces. 

You see, I've come to realise this that when a child is comfortable to walk up to you, talk to you and most importantly, they WANT to play with you, there you have love from a child. A child's love is so sincere because children never hide their feelings. Their faces are an exact reflection of how they are currently feeling. Adults on the other hand, hmm don't get me started. hehe. 
So if you have a child laughing and smiling with you, that's love right there. 

The only sad thing is that children don't keep. They grow up fast and then time seems to have just zoomed past you while you weren't paying attention. 

This reminds me of a quote that really messed with my brain that says something along the lines of: Have you ever realized that there was a final and last time you picked your child up, put them down, and then never carried them ever again?

OMG that messed with me bad, and I don't even have my own kids. 😂

Love love love, I am filled with it! Sometimes I think God gave me a little too much! I have so much love to give to this world! Or maybe I'm just being over the top...

So if there's one thing you want to do right today, give those extra hugs and kisses to people you love!

Always with lots of love,

-Evie

**This post was inspired by my friend Roberto Suarez from El Salvador who was describing to me the different types of love phrases in Spanish. In his own words, English is cold. 😂

Anxiety

Wow it's been such a long time since I wrote anything here. I don't even remember my password to Blogpsot anymore but as fate would have it, I felt a strong urge to write something today and when I opened the site, it was logged in already. The universe really wants me to write something today huh. 

Anyway I don't even know who I write these for anymore...All my readers from 10 years ago probably already forgotten this blog exists because who even reads blogs anymore? So, I have come to the realization that I really write for me. For the future me, to look back on now me and say "Hey, we've come this far". 

I used to write to express creativity, then I wrote for ad money, then it felt like a chore, then I stopped. Today, I write for my sanity. I just feel the urge to write something here today. Maybe my future self will read this post and feel some form of comfort, I really don't know but I will go with the flow on what my soul is guided to do today. Or maybe if I die, someone will remember that I had a blog, and they'll come to visit it for old time's sake. Hi mum! I know you'll be the first. 

*************************************************************************

ANXIETY

Anyone who has gone through periods of anxiety would know that NO ONE knows what you go through. No, it's not that feeling you get before you go on stage nor it is that feeling before you receive much awaited results on something. 

Anxiety, is this devil that hides inside you, and creeps up on you during the most unsuspecting times. The worst part is sometimes, you don't even know why you feel anxious. Heck, I'll be happier feeling anxious KNOWING that it's my turn to go on stage for a performance because I know that after that, there'll be a feeling of relief and calm. But THIS anxiety, the crippling kind, just overcomes you and you don't know when it will go away. 

When it hits you like a slap in the face, nothing anyone can tell you makes it go away. Just relax. Doesn't work. Deep breathing. Doesn't work. Don't think too much. I wasn't even thinking. 

You often find yourself questioning, "What did I do wrong?"

It's so scary that when you get an anxious moment that you DO KNOW what the trigger was, deep down inside, you feel a little grateful that at least you know why...and then you can manage your thoughts to try to calm yourself down. 

I don't really want to write much more about this because sometimes, just thinking about anxiety wakes up the sleeping anxiousness and I'm tired of it. 

So I leave you with this poem I wrote:

A deal with Life

Life said, I'll give you joy,
If you take some hate,
I said, ok fair enough, 
If I get hate, maybe it's just fate. 

Life said, here take some money,
But I'll give you some times of uncertainty,
I said, why thank you,
Realizing later that money doesn't set you free. 

Life said, I'll let you live longer than some,
But I gotta take away some health, 
I said, no life is without tribulations,
Little did I know, this was a cause of much frustration. 

Life said, I'll give you lots of time,
But remember, time is just an illusion,
I promised not to chase time,
But that has caused me lots of confusion.

Life said, I'll give you lots of wisdom,
But people will think you're crazy,
I thought I could easily hide it,
But it made me so lonely.

Life said, I'll give you love,
In exchange for a little heartache, 
I said, ok I'll take it, 
Not knowing how my heart would break. 

Life said, I'll give you peace,
If you give up some of your sanity,
I shouldn't have agreed,
I didn't know that it meant, I would be plagued with anxiety. 

Good night world. 

5 Different Feelings at Work

We all know that a work day can sometimes be happy but sometimes crappy. Unless you're one of those people with a dream job. Boo. Don't tell me about it.

Our emotions at work can sometimes be a roller coaster of a ride. Working in events, I kid you not. It's a freaking love hate relationship with your job and your clients. This may relate to jobs in other industries too. But I'll be speaking from an events team perspective but you may find this relates to you.

These are the 5 emotions we may go through on a typical work day.

1. OMG I have shitloads of work to do! *freak out
Why won't these people stop calling me?! Don't you know that I just came back from nodding my head and saying "I understand" to a fussy organizer for the past hour? Yes yes I know you want your tax invoice. Yes and you need to know whether you can fit a big ass photo booth in the small function room you reluctantly paid for. Ok ok let me get to you in a moment..holy crap I still haven't done *insert whole to-do list here!

2. So bored..
Haih..no work to do so bored. OUCH! (Future busy me just slapped me on the face)
Note to self: enjoy and cherish free days like you will never get them again because you will never get them again. I'm serious.

3. You want what?
Cue: frustrated voice in accommodating tone *this is a skill. I kid you not.
Speaking to a client: What do you mean you want all the food counters to be crammed together? You want your coffee counter to be in front of the door? But..That will obstruct people from walking in and out of the room..Oh it's ok? You want the dessert counter sticking to the main course counter? But it doesn't look nice..You don't mind? You want us to change it now? The event in the opposite room is too noisy? You invited too many people and can we change your event to another room now? Why don't you tell me next year?!
Oh you want me to be here cos you think the microphone is going to malfunction later?

4. Hungry!
Oh I'm freaking hungry right now!
11.40pm: What?! 20 more minutes to lunch time?
3.00pm: Oh damn I'm hungry. Should've eaten more at lunch. Lemme eat some snacks.
6.00pm: Crap I'm hungry again. But I still have a lot of work to do! But I'm really hungry!

5. Self Reflection
Peaceful times: Actually this job is not bad. It's quite interesting. I love doing this cos I see different things all the time.

Stressful times: I hate my job. I'm not meant to do this. Why am I even here? Where is my life heading? What is the meaning of life!? I hate this! Last minute requests...argh! *browse jobstreet for "better opportunities"

What are the different feelings YOU experience during work?

5 Things To Do In Ho Chi Minh

I visited Ho Chi Minh in mid May and the deal we got was a freakin cheap one! 5 Days 4 nights in Ho Chi Minh, flights + 3 star hotel accommodation was only Rm500+ per person! No tours included of course but it's really easy to explore Ho Chi Minh on your own and it's less tiring than if you book a guided tour for your entire trip.

However, if you really want to book a tour to, say, Cu Chi Tunnels or Mekong Delta like we did for 2 days of our trip, you can always book at the hotel or at the numerous travel agencies in the city. Each day tour cost us around Rm30+.

Boring details aside, I decided to write a post on the 5 things you should do when in Ho Chi Minh..

NUMBER 1: Cross the road fearlessly.
Note: fearlessly. This is VERY important in Ho Chi Minh. In a small city with a population of 13 million people and 8 million motorcycles, if you wanna cross the road, just do it, don't hesitate. Of course I don't mean dash across the road even though there are 100 motorcycles speeding towards you like you're the prize at the finish line. It's just that if you're too dependent on pedestrian traffic lights from wherever you come from, or if you've only crossed roads when the oncoming vehicle is 1 mile away, then you can just camp out on the side of the road cos in Ho Chi Minh, that's never gonna happen.

Here's a tip when crossing roads:DO NOT DASH ACROSS. Walk at a constant pace so motorcyclists can estimate their distance/speed/time..haha sounds nerdy..but it's true! I was looking at some motorcyclists when crossing the road and I realised that they just glanced at me, then continued on because they already know I'm there. Imagine if I suddenly hesitated and turned back! I might've been hit by a bike!

The motorcyclists won't sound their horns at you if they know they can avoid you cos they're all really good at swerving around cos traffic in Ho Chi Minh involves lots of swerving around and non-stop beeping of cars. If you ride on a taxi while you're there, your first experience might be kinda scary. Trust me. No one wanted to sit at the front.

On main roads, just wait for the traffic lights.

NUMBER 2: Drink Coffee.
I was never a fan of coffee but Vietnam is famous for its coffee and not drinking coffee in Vietnam is equivalent to not gargling after you brush your teeth. Ok bad example but you get what I mean.

We met up with a close friend of a relative in Ho Chi Minh. He's actually a Vietnamese tour guide and his hospitality was fabulous. Oh did I mention that service in Vietnam is really good? Anyway, he treated us like family when we were there and brought us to try local food at places that the typical tourist wouldn't go.  We had this awesome seafood hotpot on our first night there and it was great even though we felt like melting in the restaurant.

Anything to do with soup in Vietnam tastes really good. In my opinion of course.

Then he brought us to this coffee house which was hiding somewhere behind some old shops. I'm sorry the only thing I remember about the location is that it is near a railway track where vehicles can pass when no train is near. So old skool..we don't have that in Malaysia. :( 

Had previously only seen something like this in the movies. Cue: thought of trapped car in the middle of train tracks with oncoming train.

So this is the name of the place. I think. Unless it says something like "No Smoking Please", I'm pretty sure this is the name of the place. You could try your luck and show this to your taxi driver. It's really worth visiting.

Cafe. Mien Dong Thao should be the name.

Why is this place so awesome? It is a really large area with small sections in every corner giving you a cosy feeling. You'll have lots of privacy too and won't feel that 50 people are eavesdropping behind you and 20 people are staring at your laptop screen. Oh how I wish there was a place like this near where I live!

Oh did I mention that there is a pond in the middle of the cafe?

This is not under-aged drinking. Everyone gets a bottomless iced tea.

I know, I know, this point should be speaking of drinking coffee and why am I going on and on about the cafe?! You should just visit it for its atmosphere. I don't know about the price and taste of food though. I hope you find this place with the little information I give you. Also, this is the place where I changed my opinion on coffee. This is where I tasted the best coffee in my life! Ok my statement is not very credible cos I'm not a coffee drinker but there were a few coffee drinkers who said the same. hah!

Vietnamese coffee with their coffee dripper. It has to be this way. Not good if you're impatient. 

I don't mean that the best coffee can only be found in this cafe but also in other coffee shops in the city. Just like this place in District 1 with it's tiny table and chairs (We didn't find out why many restaurants use short tables and chairs).

Small tables/chairs.

Yum.

The complimentary iced tea.

NUMBER 3: Eat Vietnam "Subway"

No not the subway sandwich you're thinking about but their Vietnamese sandwich which looks like a subway sandwich. Not sure what their called. Their made with French loaves. I heard that the reason they eat French bread is because they were once occupied by the French a long long time ago. Don't know if that's true but they taste really good. You can't choose flavours though and you just tell them how many you want. It has minced meat, veggies, sauce etc in it. Honestly, I don't know what meat is used. It could very well be dog meat and I wouldn't know. Hahaha 

The sandwich from some stalls taste better than others but that's where all the fun in trying new food is. :D

This is what I call the Vietnamese "Subway".

NUMBER 4: Eat Pho everywhere you go.

I love soup. That's why I love Pho. Pho is practically everywhere in Ho Chi Minh. It's actually noodles in soup with beef/chicken..The soup is the most important part of Pho and every Pho I've tasted in Ho Chi Minh tastes good! There are many Pho restaurants around like Pho 2000, Pho(insert no. here), etc.

We tried Pho at the market, Pho at Pho 2000, etc and I loved it each time! Apparently Pho 2000 is where Bill Clinton once visited...One thing funny about Pho 2000 is if you need your dose of Malaysian slang you can definitely find it in Pho 2000. It surprised me to find so many Malaysians eating there! If you're Malaysian, you can identify them once you hear them speak. Hahaha..

Pho 2000 menu.

Big bowl of Pho.

Chicken Pho.

Beef Pho.

Trying to eat the bowl.

NUMBER 5: Bargain!!
If you visit Ho Chi Minh, I'm pretty sure you'll visit Ben Thanh market. There are MANY things sold there like clothes, bags, souvenirs, shoes, etc. and they are cheap! However, you must BARGAIN! If they refuse to lower down the price for you, WALK AWAY. They'll most probably call out to you with a lower price and the further you walk, the lower the price goes. If it doesn't go to as low as you want it to be, or they still refuse to give you a better offer, don't worry. They're like 100 other stalls selling the exact same things.

There is a night market outside the Ben Thanh market every night when the day market closes. Tip: The night market sells the same things sold in the day market and are generally 3 TIMES more EXPENSIVE!

We had shopped the whole day in Ben Thanh market during the day and went to check out the prices in the night market. The price of almost everything was 3 times higher!

However, do go to the night market as it would be a good place for you to explore and get an idea of the price of things you wanna buy the next day at the day market.

For example, I asked for the price of a pair of batik pants. The girl said 300,000 Dong. I walked away because it was too expensive(and wasn't really interested in the designs she had anyway). At every step I took, her price kept going down. The last price she shouted to me was 120, 000 Dong. I still didn't buy it. I went to the Ben Thanh day market the next day and told the salesgirl from another stall selling the same pants that I would buy it for 100,000 Dong. She gave in after I started walking away.

Haha I think I sound very cheapskate telling people how I bargained but that's how you make your shopping money stretch!

Some pics of the Ben Thanh market:

If you wanna buy bags, head to stall number 627. The lady is really nice and her price is really good.

If you don't like to shop, The Ben Thanh market is a good place to admire all the colourful stalls and take awesome pictures.

Plastic Bag.