Sometimes I feel called to write about certain things but each time I write, it is an inspired action. I don't sit down and force myself to write for the sake of writing something because nothing good can come out of force. Everything good comes from inspiration.
Tonight as I was having a difficult time dealing with my grandmother, I suddenly had a thought, that I should write about the timeline of how she has been one of my life's greatest teachers.
When you read the title of this blog post, you might think that I would have wonderful, amazing stories to write about my grandmother teaching me things and imparting her wisdom onto me.
This is completely the opposite because this connection I have with her on earth has been one interesting journey and only one can find it so if they have emotionally removed themselves from the experience and look at it as an observer.
You see, she is a negative person by nature and was what I now know, addicted to negative emotions. During her coherent years when her mind was still alert, no one had thought to tell it straight to her face that she was literally a bitch and full of negativity. Well maybe because she was the matriarch of the family. And I say this with no remorse because that is a very accurate word to describe the person she was. More so in the way she treated me. Now it is too late to teach her about speaking positive words and cultivating more love in her heart because she is no longer coherent and can't understand half the things you say to her.
At one point during my early teenage years, I was the subject and her source of drama and negativity. I didn't know why she hated me so much. I was the most well behaved grandchild of hers and yet she had so many reasons to hate on me. She couldn't see the me that I truly was, but I never let my experiences with her make me a bitter person, so I never ever had any intention to "get back at her" per se, and I am grateful for that. Because many years later, she has realised that I am the only one who doesn't talk back at her. Did she for a second think why she hated me so much then?
She was the reason I cried myself to sleep every night and skipped meals so I wouldn't have to go out of the room and hear her bitching about me. No one knew this until I started opening up about it in recent years.
I came home straight from school every day, never went out unnecessarily, did everything she told me, was polite to her and was pretty much the opposite of my twin brother. And yet, she hated on me, not my brother. She found every little flaw I had and went to town with it while her other grandchildren were no better than me. Oh how odd! And that brings us to the first lesson: "A negative or bitter person will find problems or create them where there are none and that is of no fault of our own. We just happened to be in the same existence with them at that time."
Oh and I was not the only "victim" of her addiction to negativity. Before I came into her experience, she used to pick on another cousin of mine, and when we moved in to live with her, I was her new target and my cousin was off the hook. After a few years of picking on me, we had a new addition to the family by marriage, and she found her new target so I was let off the hook. So many years have passed and now that I am more conscious of her behaviours, when she picks a new person to create fresh drama, I just pretend I don't hear all the negative things she say and give no attention to it because I know how it feels to be her source of negativity. This is lesson no. 2: Sometimes, hardships we have been through, help us to be better people to the person who's going through the same. We become more conscious of how certain actions or words could affect another human being. Also, a negative person addicted to hating people, will always have someone to hate. Don't take it personally because they will have a new person to hate next.
It is true when Eckhart Tolle says, that negative emotions and the pain body we have, are addicted to and feed on negative emotions for energy. When we let ourselves do that and are not conscious of our unconscious mind, we constantly need the negativity to give us energy. Because negativity finds joy and love revolting.
She's 90 this year and thinks she's turning 100. That's how "clear" her mind is now. I no longer hold a grudge or any emotional attachment to the past she created for me because, how could I be angry with someone who now can't even tell her age? I used to see myself as a victim, but now I see myself empowered with the experience, grateful even for what has happened has taught me such invaluable lessons.
The funny thing is, I am now the only one in the family she can talk to. She acknowledges this fact now, because I'm the only one who doesn't lash back at her in anger and frustration. Everyone gets frustrated with her words and actions, more so now that she sometimes doesn't make sense when she speaks. She even thanks me for being the one who takes care of her and the one who she could ask anything. Oh how the tables have turned! If I was bound by my ego, this would be the perfect time for me to make life hell for her as how she had made mine. But I would find no pleasure in doing so and it would only harm my own being. Lesson: Be so evolved in your soul that you see the pointlessness of acting on the power you now have over someone else. Because people who live in a toxic cycle will usually end up stuck in their own toxicity, and you can be the observer from the outside, being in awe at how life turns the tables around and the way things come full circle.
I am no saint and till now there are days and nights that have been very difficult to deal with her. By difficult, I mean, keeping my own emotions in check and being conscious of my feelings and reactions. It is truly a test to the mind. Constantly reminding myself, how could I be mad at someone who thinks she's a hundred years old?
She sometimes does know how to push one's buttons. My family tell me that I'm the most patient with her but I won't deny that sometimes it's a real struggle to communicate with her. As blur as her mind could be sometimes, there is a constant trait in her that is still there: her negativity and addiction to bitching about people. Sometimes, she sits right next to me, just to babble on about her past tales, but they are almost always the negative things she remembers about events and people. It truly drains you of energy if you're not careful. This is also why no one wants to sit and watch TV with her in the living room, because she'll start spewing negativity. It's pretty sad when you think about it, but our world is what we create and we can't blame anyone for not wanting to drown in our negative energy. As I observe the things she has attracted into her life, I sometimes feel a sense of pity for her because it seems like people can't seem to help being rude to her now. Is this what we call karma? As she had spent her vibrant years causing emotional and mental hardships to others, has she sabotaged herself along the way? I dare not say this is a lesson, because I am in no place to judge someone else's karma but something to ponder here is that whatever we spend our energy in projecting, be it positivity or negativity, always comes back to greet us like a boomerang. Can we expect the world to treat us with loving kindness if all we've been busy doing was spreading hate?
I am constantly on a journey of being conscious of my unconscious mind, and so I would be lying if I said that there isn't still a tiny bit of hurt when I think about what I've been through. But it truly is just a tiny bit and I have come a long way, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to notice these lessons.
I do hope that you too, realise that everyone sent to our experience is there to teach us something. Sometimes we may not realise it then, and only know many years later when our soul has evolved or awakened enough to learn the lesson. Things only come to us when we are ready.
I will leave you with this quote from Eckhart Tolle:
"Human interaction can be hell. Or it can be a great spiritual practice."
Which will you choose?
Much love,
Evie
