Loving Without Attachment

Love. 

A simple four-lettered word that many know but yet many do not understand. 

I don't claim to have discovered the true meaning of love, all kinds of love, not just romantic love, but lately I have come to a much clearer understanding of it. 

I felt the need to write this post and there is so much to say that I feel that words can't fully justify it so I'll do my best. 

Our heart is like an empty drinking glass. And love is like the water you pour into the glass. But there is one condition. You have to fill your own glass. People can fill it for you and "pour water into your glass", but only temporarily. They can't do it forever because they have their own glasses and other glasses to fill. 

The water in the glass if not refilled often, will slowly dry up. The water in the glass represents how filled your heart is with love. A filled glass makes you feel joy, confidence, self worth, and ultimately puts you in alignment with the good things in life. 

A constantly empty glass on the other hand, makes you feel unworthy of love, unworthy of success, makes you feel like there is a problem being an imperfect person when no one in this world is perfect anyway. But you won't be able to see this, you feel dead inside because the water (love) gives you life and sadly, your glass is empty. 

How do we keep a glass constantly filled with water when other people can't help us fill it forever? 

We have to fill it ourselves. But first, we have to REALIZE that WE HAVE the ABILITY to FILL OUR OWN GLASSES. So many people have been brought up or programmed to believe that their glasses need to be filled by someone else. They do not realize that their glasses need to be filled by they themselves. They need to learn to love themselves. You need to give yourself love, and not constantly seek love and validation from another being. Because that is not sustainable. 

When we have an almost empty glass and we never fill it ourselves, we are constantly in search of someone who can fill it for us while trying to fill up someone else's glass. 

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME! FILL UP MY GLASS FOR ME! I NEED YOU! DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M FILLING YOUR GLASS UP? WHY DON'T YOU FILL MINE?! IT'S NOT FAIR! I CAN NEVER FIND TRUE LOVE! 

Is it clear now that this is a problem? But what if you don't know how to love yourself? You don't know how to fill your own glass with water? You were never taught how. 

Try this, look at yourself from a third person point of view. If this is difficult for you, look at yourself in the mirror and pretend you are someone else looking at you. 

When you see you there, give you a hug, or a pat on the head or shoulder, tell you that you love you and you're doing a great job. Hug you and say, I love you. Look at you straight into your eyes and say I am proud of you. You are enough. Fill that person's heart with love. Fill that person's glass. This is truly empowering.

Now that you can feel your glass filling up, you have more love in your heart. And when you get so good at filling your own glass, you will feel like you are overflowing with love, because your glass is overflowing with water. You now have so much extra water (love) to give to another person and to help fill another person's glass. Because you can't give someone love, if you don't have love for yourself first. I don't mean this in a narcissistic self love kind of way, but rather the purest kind of love that is also selfless. 

Surely there will be times when we forget to fill our own glass or have a difficult period of doing so but KNOWING that we have the ABILITY to do so, liberates us from needing someone else to fill it for us. 

Sometimes, for some people, their own glass is drying up, because they haven't filled it in a while, but yet they don't let anyone else fill it for them. Because they don't feel worthy of someone else's love. 

There is no strict rule to this, yes sometimes we need to let other people temporarily fill it for us while we regain the power to do so ourselves. As much as it is important for us to love ourselves first before giving love to someone else, it is also important for us to ALLOW someone to give us love while we work on our setbacks. Because you are worthy of love no matter where you are in life.

And why the title Loving without Attachment? 

Because when you have so much love in your heart, and you are overflowing with it, you can give it to someone without expecting anything else back in return. When you love a person, you love a person. That is just as simple as that. But often people love with so much attachment that they expect something in return. They expect a label, they expect to be treated in a certain way, to take ownership of the other person, to have possession over something, or expect the other person to fit their precise idea of a glass filler and, they expect the other person to fill their glasses for them in return. 

Surely labels are nice but they should come naturally when the time is right and when everything aligns with your true self.  And you should also love yourself enough to be able to remove yourself from a situation that is toxic. The love you constantly fill your own heart with will help you recognize these moments and guide you.

When you love someone without attachment, you don't expect or pressure the other person to fill your glass. And when you don't do that, you allow that person the space to grow and learn to fill their own glass until theirs is ALSO overflowing that they now can give some to you at times when yours isn't. 

Love is just so beautiful and comes in so many different forms but we have to realise that the purest kind of love is loving our true selves, loving our own souls. 

So I hope that after reading this, you remember to fill your own glass and fill your heart with so much love that you feel the strong need to fill someone else's heart with love too. 

Living in love and light with you, 

Evie. 💗

If You Were Here

My heart is heavy today. 

Our precious precious little feisty girl just turned 8 yesterday. It was an awesome celebration. Everyone had lots of fun. But it just hit me today that her turning 8 means that in 4 months, her mom would have been gone for 8 years. It is true when people say that the days are long but the years are short. 

Elaine has been gone for 8 years. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. She didn't even get to celebrate 1 birthday with her daughter. Well, only one, which is the actual day of her birth. Oh Elaine, life took you away from us too soon and we are heartbroken till this day. 

Attending your own mum's funeral at 4 months old isn't very common. I still remember the night your mum died, when we got the news that she would be gone that night, I intentionally looked at you while you were sleeping on the bouncer in our living room, and told myself to register this moment in my memory forever, because when you're old enough to ask me the tough questions about your mum and everything that happened, I need to remember this day for you. I needed to etch this in my memories, the day you became a motherless child. 

The sweetest girl

Sweet girl, I try to the best of my abilities to be the motherly love and support that you deserve, stripped away from you at such a young age. But I know, that nothing could ever replace the love of a mother. You're growing up so so fast, and at this age, you still come to me for hugs and kisses, for sweet moments, to tell me what you're excited about and I will forever cherish these moments but I know that one day this may be gone when you're all grown up. I hope you keep sharing your happy and sad moments with me even when you're 40 years old!

Elaine, thank you for blessing us with this sweet child. I wouldn't exchange her for anything in this life. But if you were here, I wouldn't be the one planning her birthday months ahead thinking what kind of cake you would've made for her. Cos you were a master baker! I love love loved making the special cakes for her birthdays but I'm not a baker, it takes a lot of work for me. If only you were here. 

Photobombed by my brother 🙄

I always wondered, if you were here, how different would your children's personalities have been? Surely your absence in their lives have shaped them in a different way. Heck, even I would've been a totally different person. I wouldn't have questioned so much about what the meaning of life was because after you left, this question plagued me for the longest time, "What is our purpose of living?". I've still not found the answer, but I have navigated life differently because of this. And that, is another blessing from you. 

I remember in the early days after you left, just the thought of you gone makes me cry wherever I was. It was usually during a still moment on the bus or train. Then I would wonder, how long it would take for me to think about you and NOT have tears in my eyes. I haven't found the answer, it still hurts, it will never not hurt but we will just get used to it. When your heart breaks, it will heal, but the scar will forever be there. I just cannot imagine how your husband William, parents, siblings, and family that have known you forever navigate this pain in their hearts. If you were here, things would be so different. 

I remember how sad William was when he mentioned that he didn't have a complete family photo with you and the kids. I made it my mission to find that photo. I didn't know how I would do it because you were only around for 4 months after your daughter was born. And what a joy it was for me to find out that the angels pulled through and there was a family photo of all of you taken during a wedding. I posted that photo into a forum to ask for help to remove 2 other people from the photo and a kind soul did it for me. That was truly a blessing and a much needed photo for your daughter's emotional well being because she now knows that she exists in a world where her mum was still here. And the best part was that you were carrying her in your arms in that photo.

Brother & Sister. 

Ps. I didn't make the cake this year.

Elaine, your son was only 2 years old when you left. He didn't understand what happened at all. He thought you were sleeping. But he kept seeing you. He ran towards places with no one there and called out for you and then suddenly stopped short because he saw you, and then he didn't. We used to sense you around too. I remember he said he wanted to sit at the back seat of the car, because you were sitting in front. I guess he saw you.

I remember the day of your funeral, I had him close to me, teaching him to hold the joss sticks, bowing down in prayer every time the monk did. Changing his diaper during the funeral and putting him to sleep at night cos he was exhausted by all that was happening. When he sat next to me during a prayer session, I remember the butterfly that came so close to us. I have no doubt that was you. 

I carried him during the funeral procession and tried to film and capture as many moments as I could with my camera because one day, I know your kids would want to see them. I have so many photos and videos of that day but almost 8 years have gone by and I have not once had the courage to open that folder in my hard disk. I know I will one day.

You were so well loved by many that every night of the 3 nights of your funeral were packed full of people. The day of your funeral procession too. There were so many people that looking back from the front, we couldn't see the end of the crowd. All of us at the front wore your bakery uniform t-shirt. It was black. I still remember that when we were walking past the houses, people were wondering out loud what we were wearing because it was out of tradition to be wearing all black as we should be wearing white t-shirts instead. 

8 years is a long time but the memories are still fresh. 

Oh if you were still here, how different life would've been.

Miss you and still heartbroken,

Evie.

Blessings

In huge contrast to my post on anxiety, I shall write something on a more positive note. Gotta balance things out ya know? 😉

I'm not always that emo but I AM human and it is only human to have waves of different emotions at different times. In the words of the wise Ronan Keating, "Life is a Rollercoaster" 😂

Blessings are in abundance. You, me, your neighbour, and that fella in Timbuktu are given many blessings in life. They're there, it's just that, a blessing is only a blessing when you notice it. When you acknowledge it. When you are grateful for it. 

I'm not a religious person so I won't speak in the context of religion. I do believe in a higher power and that all roads lead to one so interpret these however you wish. 

When we're feeling like we have it bad financially, do we realise that we have it way better than someone with no food? 

When we're feeling lonely because we haven't found THE ONE, do we realise that the universe has given us other people who care for us? Maybe they're not right next to you now, or heck maybe you haven't even met them yet. But THERE ARE people who want the best for you, they don't have to tell you that, you just have to REALISE it. 

When we feel sad that we don't have a nicer home or a luxurious lifestyle, someone out there is willing to sell a kidney in exchange for the bed you sleep on, the chair you sit on, the soft blanket you have or the clean water you drink every day. 

I could list down 1001 more examples of how blessed we truly are, but if you don't get it by now, then maybe you have lots of inner work of gratitude to do. 

Gratitude is kinda my main motto in life. With gratitude you can possibly overcome anything. 

In fact, with gratitude YOU HAVE EVERYTHING. Get it?

Having gratitude will also align you and your energy with all the good things in life. 

So, if today you're feeling down about stuff not going the way you want, try redirecting your thoughts to things you are grateful for. Because I KNOW you have an awesome life and a crazy amount of blessings. 

You've got this!

Love, 

Evie

The Many Kinds of LOVE

Love love love, so many types of love. But yet just the word love doesn't have enough depth to do the different types of love justice. 

I love the sunset
I love strawberries
I love my mum
I love my dog
I love saying good morning
I love my new shoes
I love little babies
I love the sincere smiles from a child
I love the feeling of newly changed bedsheets
I love sleeping in rainy weather
I love the taste of a bowl of hot soup
I love the feeling of being cared for
I love that special someone
I love knowing I am loved
I love seeing new places
I love giving gifts
I love my best friend

All these different kinds of love, when you read each one of them, they feel different right? But we only use the word LOVE. We use the same word for all of them but yet, they all feel so different. Heck, even saying I love you to different people we love is a different feeling. 

I think we can all agree that love for a romantic partner is definitely NOT THE SAME as love for sunsets. But we can all agree that love, regardless, is just beautiful. The word love itself radiates with positive energy and vibrations. 

The purest and most unconditional love you could possibly have is a love from a child. I don't mean only your own child, but just any child. Anyone who knows me knows my love for children is undeniable. I don't have children of my own so this becomes a blessing to all my nephews and nieces. LOL. And I can say that I, have been blessed with having nephews and nieces. 

You see, I've come to realise this that when a child is comfortable to walk up to you, talk to you and most importantly, they WANT to play with you, there you have love from a child. A child's love is so sincere because children never hide their feelings. Their faces are an exact reflection of how they are currently feeling. Adults on the other hand, hmm don't get me started. hehe. 
So if you have a child laughing and smiling with you, that's love right there. 

The only sad thing is that children don't keep. They grow up fast and then time seems to have just zoomed past you while you weren't paying attention. 

This reminds me of a quote that really messed with my brain that says something along the lines of: Have you ever realized that there was a final and last time you picked your child up, put them down, and then never carried them ever again?

OMG that messed with me bad, and I don't even have my own kids. 😂

Love love love, I am filled with it! Sometimes I think God gave me a little too much! I have so much love to give to this world! Or maybe I'm just being over the top...

So if there's one thing you want to do right today, give those extra hugs and kisses to people you love!

Always with lots of love,

-Evie

**This post was inspired by my friend Roberto Suarez from El Salvador who was describing to me the different types of love phrases in Spanish. In his own words, English is cold. 😂

Anxiety

Wow it's been such a long time since I wrote anything here. I don't even remember my password to Blogpsot anymore but as fate would have it, I felt a strong urge to write something today and when I opened the site, it was logged in already. The universe really wants me to write something today huh. 

Anyway I don't even know who I write these for anymore...All my readers from 10 years ago probably already forgotten this blog exists because who even reads blogs anymore? So, I have come to the realization that I really write for me. For the future me, to look back on now me and say "Hey, we've come this far". 

I used to write to express creativity, then I wrote for ad money, then it felt like a chore, then I stopped. Today, I write for my sanity. I just feel the urge to write something here today. Maybe my future self will read this post and feel some form of comfort, I really don't know but I will go with the flow on what my soul is guided to do today. Or maybe if I die, someone will remember that I had a blog, and they'll come to visit it for old time's sake. Hi mum! I know you'll be the first. 

*************************************************************************

ANXIETY

Anyone who has gone through periods of anxiety would know that NO ONE knows what you go through. No, it's not that feeling you get before you go on stage nor it is that feeling before you receive much awaited results on something. 

Anxiety, is this devil that hides inside you, and creeps up on you during the most unsuspecting times. The worst part is sometimes, you don't even know why you feel anxious. Heck, I'll be happier feeling anxious KNOWING that it's my turn to go on stage for a performance because I know that after that, there'll be a feeling of relief and calm. But THIS anxiety, the crippling kind, just overcomes you and you don't know when it will go away. 

When it hits you like a slap in the face, nothing anyone can tell you makes it go away. Just relax. Doesn't work. Deep breathing. Doesn't work. Don't think too much. I wasn't even thinking. 

You often find yourself questioning, "What did I do wrong?"

It's so scary that when you get an anxious moment that you DO KNOW what the trigger was, deep down inside, you feel a little grateful that at least you know why...and then you can manage your thoughts to try to calm yourself down. 

I don't really want to write much more about this because sometimes, just thinking about anxiety wakes up the sleeping anxiousness and I'm tired of it. 

So I leave you with this poem I wrote:

A deal with Life

Life said, I'll give you joy,
If you take some hate,
I said, ok fair enough, 
If I get hate, maybe it's just fate. 

Life said, here take some money,
But I'll give you some times of uncertainty,
I said, why thank you,
Realizing later that money doesn't set you free. 

Life said, I'll let you live longer than some,
But I gotta take away some health, 
I said, no life is without tribulations,
Little did I know, this was a cause of much frustration. 

Life said, I'll give you lots of time,
But remember, time is just an illusion,
I promised not to chase time,
But that has caused me lots of confusion.

Life said, I'll give you lots of wisdom,
But people will think you're crazy,
I thought I could easily hide it,
But it made me so lonely.

Life said, I'll give you love,
In exchange for a little heartache, 
I said, ok I'll take it, 
Not knowing how my heart would break. 

Life said, I'll give you peace,
If you give up some of your sanity,
I shouldn't have agreed,
I didn't know that it meant, I would be plagued with anxiety. 

Good night world.