My heart is heavy today.
Our precious precious little feisty girl just turned 8 yesterday. It was an awesome celebration. Everyone had lots of fun. But it just hit me today that her turning 8 means that in 4 months, her mom would have been gone for 8 years. It is true when people say that the days are long but the years are short.
Elaine has been gone for 8 years. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. She didn't even get to celebrate 1 birthday with her daughter. Well, only one, which is the actual day of her birth. Oh Elaine, life took you away from us too soon and we are heartbroken till this day.
Attending your own mum's funeral at 4 months old isn't very common. I still remember the night your mum died, when we got the news that she would be gone that night, I intentionally looked at you while you were sleeping on the bouncer in our living room, and told myself to register this moment in my memory forever, because when you're old enough to ask me the tough questions about your mum and everything that happened, I need to remember this day for you. I needed to etch this in my memories, the day you became a motherless child.
Sweet girl, I try to the best of my abilities to be the motherly love and support that you deserve, stripped away from you at such a young age. But I know, that nothing could ever replace the love of a mother. You're growing up so so fast, and at this age, you still come to me for hugs and kisses, for sweet moments, to tell me what you're excited about and I will forever cherish these moments but I know that one day this may be gone when you're all grown up. I hope you keep sharing your happy and sad moments with me even when you're 40 years old!
Elaine, thank you for blessing us with this sweet child. I wouldn't exchange her for anything in this life. But if you were here, I wouldn't be the one planning her birthday months ahead thinking what kind of cake you would've made for her. Cos you were a master baker! I love love loved making the special cakes for her birthdays but I'm not a baker, it takes a lot of work for me. If only you were here.
I always wondered, if you were here, how different would your children's personalities have been? Surely your absence in their lives have shaped them in a different way. Heck, even I would've been a totally different person. I wouldn't have questioned so much about what the meaning of life was because after you left, this question plagued me for the longest time, "What is our purpose of living?". I've still not found the answer, but I have navigated life differently because of this. And that, is another blessing from you.
I remember in the early days after you left, just the thought of you gone makes me cry wherever I was. It was usually during a still moment on the bus or train. Then I would wonder, how long it would take for me to think about you and NOT have tears in my eyes. I haven't found the answer, it still hurts, it will never not hurt but we will just get used to it. When your heart breaks, it will heal, but the scar will forever be there. I just cannot imagine how your husband William, parents, siblings, and family that have known you forever navigate this pain in their hearts. If you were here, things would be so different.
I remember how sad William was when he mentioned that he didn't have a complete family photo with you and the kids. I made it my mission to find that photo. I didn't know how I would do it because you were only around for 4 months after your daughter was born. And what a joy it was for me to find out that the angels pulled through and there was a family photo of all of you taken during a wedding. I posted that photo into a forum to ask for help to remove 2 other people from the photo and a kind soul did it for me. That was truly a blessing and a much needed photo for your daughter's emotional well being because she now knows that she exists in a world where her mum was still here. And the best part was that you were carrying her in your arms in that photo.
Elaine, your son was only 2 years old when you left. He didn't understand what happened at all. He thought you were sleeping. But he kept seeing you. He ran towards places with no one there and called out for you and then suddenly stopped short because he saw you, and then he didn't. We used to sense you around too. I remember he said he wanted to sit at the back seat of the car, because you were sitting in front. I guess he saw you.
I remember the day of your funeral, I had him close to me, teaching him to hold the joss sticks, bowing down in prayer every time the monk did. Changing his diaper during the funeral and putting him to sleep at night cos he was exhausted by all that was happening. When he sat next to me during a prayer session, I remember the butterfly that came so close to us. I have no doubt that was you.
I carried him during the funeral procession and tried to film and capture as many moments as I could with my camera because one day, I know your kids would want to see them. I have so many photos and videos of that day but almost 8 years have gone by and I have not once had the courage to open that folder in my hard disk. I know I will one day.
You were so well loved by many that every night of the 3 nights of your funeral were packed full of people. The day of your funeral procession too. There were so many people that looking back from the front, we couldn't see the end of the crowd. All of us at the front wore your bakery uniform t-shirt. It was black. I still remember that when we were walking past the houses, people were wondering out loud what we were wearing because it was out of tradition to be wearing all black as we should be wearing white t-shirts instead.
8 years is a long time but the memories are still fresh.
Oh if you were still here, how different life would've been.
Miss you and still heartbroken,
Evie.
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