Anxiety

Wow it's been such a long time since I wrote anything here. I don't even remember my password to Blogpsot anymore but as fate would have it, I felt a strong urge to write something today and when I opened the site, it was logged in already. The universe really wants me to write something today huh. 

Anyway I don't even know who I write these for anymore...All my readers from 10 years ago probably already forgotten this blog exists because who even reads blogs anymore? So, I have come to the realization that I really write for me. For the future me, to look back on now me and say "Hey, we've come this far". 

I used to write to express creativity, then I wrote for ad money, then it felt like a chore, then I stopped. Today, I write for my sanity. I just feel the urge to write something here today. Maybe my future self will read this post and feel some form of comfort, I really don't know but I will go with the flow on what my soul is guided to do today. Or maybe if I die, someone will remember that I had a blog, and they'll come to visit it for old time's sake. Hi mum! I know you'll be the first. 

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ANXIETY

Anyone who has gone through periods of anxiety would know that NO ONE knows what you go through. No, it's not that feeling you get before you go on stage nor it is that feeling before you receive much awaited results on something. 

Anxiety, is this devil that hides inside you, and creeps up on you during the most unsuspecting times. The worst part is sometimes, you don't even know why you feel anxious. Heck, I'll be happier feeling anxious KNOWING that it's my turn to go on stage for a performance because I know that after that, there'll be a feeling of relief and calm. But THIS anxiety, the crippling kind, just overcomes you and you don't know when it will go away. 

When it hits you like a slap in the face, nothing anyone can tell you makes it go away. Just relax. Doesn't work. Deep breathing. Doesn't work. Don't think too much. I wasn't even thinking. 

You often find yourself questioning, "What did I do wrong?"

It's so scary that when you get an anxious moment that you DO KNOW what the trigger was, deep down inside, you feel a little grateful that at least you know why...and then you can manage your thoughts to try to calm yourself down. 

I don't really want to write much more about this because sometimes, just thinking about anxiety wakes up the sleeping anxiousness and I'm tired of it. 

So I leave you with this poem I wrote:

A deal with Life

Life said, I'll give you joy,
If you take some hate,
I said, ok fair enough, 
If I get hate, maybe it's just fate. 

Life said, here take some money,
But I'll give you some times of uncertainty,
I said, why thank you,
Realizing later that money doesn't set you free. 

Life said, I'll let you live longer than some,
But I gotta take away some health, 
I said, no life is without tribulations,
Little did I know, this was a cause of much frustration. 

Life said, I'll give you lots of time,
But remember, time is just an illusion,
I promised not to chase time,
But that has caused me lots of confusion.

Life said, I'll give you lots of wisdom,
But people will think you're crazy,
I thought I could easily hide it,
But it made me so lonely.

Life said, I'll give you love,
In exchange for a little heartache, 
I said, ok I'll take it, 
Not knowing how my heart would break. 

Life said, I'll give you peace,
If you give up some of your sanity,
I shouldn't have agreed,
I didn't know that it meant, I would be plagued with anxiety. 

Good night world.